Trump or No Trump, Life is Still Pretty Neat

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I decided to make a new learning today because I know many of you are sad to see O’Bama leave today.

This morning, I turned on the Today Show expecting to see my normal everyday Matt, Savannah, Al and the whole gang, but instead it was Matt and two strangers in Washington D.C. going on about our new president. It made me angry at first, but then I began to think of a few reasons why life is still pretty neat. And here are a few of those reasons:

 

1 Mister Ed on YouTube

I was listening to the Harmontown podcast the other day, when Jeff B. Davis started talking about Mr. Ed (the black & white talking horse show). I remember watching this on Nick at Nite or somewhere as a kid. Jeff was talking about how the show introduces the idea of a talking horse, but never explains it.

I went on YouTube that night and searched for Mr. Ed and found a playlist of all the episodes. Remember in Anchorman (the first one) when Ron Burgundy said “How now brown cow,” for his warmup? That came from Mr. Ed! Next time you’re feeling sad, watch some Mr. Ed on YouTube and that will cheer you up right away. Unless you’re a big time feminist, since the show is from the 60’s.

 

2 New Star Wars Movie Every Year, Forever

Whether Trump likes it or not, Disney is giving us a new Star Wars adventure each and every year, until forever. Along with 2-3 new Marvel movies each year, and of course Pixar, Disney Animation and live action remakes. Like Drake and Future said, “What a time to be alive.”

Of course some people are whiners, and will never be happy with all these remakes and reboots. The great thing about all these Star Wars movies is that they are made by Star Wars fans. All these directors that are chosen for the next movies grew up loving Star Wars, most of them were even inspired to become directors by Star Wars. It’s like fan fiction, but they have all the real toys and resources to use.

 

3 O’Bama Gets a Break

Although I’ll miss seeing Barrack O’Bama in the White House, at least he finally gets to be retired, and play basketball with other old dudes like Shaq and Charles Barkley. He can finally catch up on everything he missed these past 8 years, like Breaking Bad, Stranger Things and even the Kung Fu Panda Trilogy (which began in 2008, when he took office).

 
It doesn’t matter who the President is, we still live in America and America is Great the way it is.

Also, if these 3 reasons don’t cheer you up maybe you should buy some Ice Cream or Nana Puddin’ from Ferdi’s Ice Cream

 

P.S. This song’s for O’Bama:

 

Debate Night: Part II

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Last Sunday, I was tricked into watching the second Presidential debate. How did I get tricked into watching a debate? I’ll tell ya. On my way to a birthday celebration I stopped by my friends’ new home to gift them some special coffee beans, because I am a great friend! We had some magical coffee and I helped them organize the house a bit (or maybe just watched them do that while drinking my coffee).

When it was time for me to leave they told me to return after the birthday celebration to watch the debate, and I said, “only if we can also watch Westworld episode 2.” I came back for the debate with beers and I was fed delicious food, but I got no Westworld episode 2. I had to wait a whole extra day until Monday night to watch Westworld episode two. Luckily Westworld is not at Game of Thrones status yet, or it would have been spoiled.

The debate was stupid. Just two grown ups acting like little baby kids. Each candidate would begin with “He/she said this…” then the next one would go saying, “Uh, I never said that, but you did say this…” and on and on it went for two whole hours! It was stupid and I didn’t learn a thing about either candidate during the whole thing.

Donald would say things like, “She’s a liar,” or “She’s a thief,” but would never explain why. And Hillary would say words, I’m just not sure what they all meant. Both candidates would try to talk the most when it wasn’t their turn. That’s why this second debate needed not one, but two moderators to try to stop the candidates from speaking out of turn, which did not work out very well.

They were featuring some hot tweets on the screen, so I immediately began tweeting to try and get featured on TV. Here’s some of my better tweets from the debate:

 

 

I began tweeting too late, because once I began they took down the Twitter feed and replaced it with, WATCH THE DEBATE ONLINE, even though if you’re seeing that message it’s too late, because that means you are already watching the debate.

The one thing I did learn during this debate, because I was guilty of it too, is that the only reason anyone watches these debates or any other live event on TV is to have an opinion to share on social media. Any time there’s a  live event is on TV, your social news feeds get filled with people talking crap about any little thing they notice (which is exactly what I did on Twitter that night).

I heard there’s supposed to be another debate, and I for one will not be watching it. In fact, I’ll boycott it if anyone tries to make me watch it. I don’t have to watch it, I already voted. And in case you’re wondering, the answer is YES! I did vote [Fill in the Blank], and I wrote “OBAMA” in the blank. If we all write OBAMA as our fill in the blank, then he can win! Yes We Can, everyone! #OBAMA2016

Also, in case you missed the debate, we all know who the true winner was last Sunday night…

#BONEZONE

Hey, Ken Bone! Why you gotta be so rude to Wreck-it Ralph… #debatenight

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National Conventions

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This week I learned that the RNC, Republican National Convention, was happening. I haven’t watched much of the RNC, but I’ve seen enough to know that I don’t care for it. All I’ve really seen so far was Stephen Colbert attending and interviewing guests dressed like Caesar Flickerman (from the Hunger Games), and a few other people who were there to mock it.

Last night, I watched about two minutes of Trump talking when I walked by a TV that was playing it. I only watched two minutes because I can’t watch Trump for too long. He’s an idiot who is full of crap (I don’t get how some people AKA “True Republicans” don’t see that). I guess every politician ever has been full of crap, that’s how you get into politics in the first place. Before becoming a mayor, governor or senator of anything you have to first prove that you are a dirtbag who is full of crap. Once you prove that, you’re free to hire a team to do all your work for you while you show your dumb face at some events.

I don’t want to talk about the politicians (anymore) or tell you who to vote for (however, I will tell you who you shouldn’t vote for, Donald Trump). I want to talk about the crazy people who attend these National Conventions. Whether talking about Republicans or Democrats, the attendees at both conventions are crazy people.

Have you ever been to an Insane Clown Posse concert? I haven’t, but I have seen some YouTube videos of what goes down there. At an ICP concert (or rally), “fans” AKA juggalos paint their faces, show off their pointless tattoos, start fires, get hammered drunk and probably do tons of meth.

I imagine that these National Conventions (AKA Election rallies) are the same as an ICP concert (AKA Juggalo Rally), except the people dress nicer, they hide their tattoos (but I’m sure they are also stupid tattoos), the fires probably happen at some hidden after party, they also drink alcohol, but maybe some more expensive alcohol and instead of meth they use more expensive high-class drugs like pills, heroin and cocaine.

Have you seen how crazy these people at the National Conventions? They just scream and yell and cheer as some politician tells them lies. They act like teen girls in the 60’s seeing the Beatles live for the first time. Or like this guy…

 

Here are some opinions I have about stuff:

If you pay money to go to a National Convention of any kind, then you are an idiot.

Why? Spend your money on a concert or a Comic Con or literally any other type of convention. Go to a antique furniture roadshow, a home and garden convention, anything but this crap.

 

If you put the sticker of any presidential candidate on your car, then you are an idiot.

Why? If that person loses, everyone will know that you are a loser for the next 4, 8 or however many years you keep your car. I saw a car with a John Kerry sticker the other day and the first thing that came to my mind was “Loser.”

 

If you give money to a presidential candidate, then you are an idiot.

Why? Do you know how much money these people are wasting each day? And how much money they probably already have? Keep your money to yourself, or give it to a real charity, not some rich white folk running for president.

 

And now, I will leave you with this…

LET’S TALK ABOUT POLITICS

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I don’t usually talk about politics in my learnings (or in real life), because I don’t know anything about politics. Also, I think every politician alive is a dirtbag, and I might be related to a few of them. I’ve only voted once in my life, and I only voted because they sent a ballot to my house. I was able to vote on my couch, in my undies. Anytime I see the news on TV I quickly change the channel (because I hate being depressed). I get my news from the “Today Show” and late night monologues. The only current events I follow online comes from: [POLYGON, IGN] Video Games, [THE VERGE] Technology, [NERDIST] Nerd stuff and anything about movies, entertainment or pop culture. So, anything that I say here that sounds dumb, just know this. I am dumb. I’m ignorant. And I don’t care.

Everyone is talking about Donald Trump. When I first heard Donald Trump was running for president I thought, maybe there’s a second Donald Trump that I’ve never heard of. Maybe this other Donald Trump is a senator or someone kind of important. He wasn’t. It was the same Donald Trump from “The Apprentice” and all the towers.

The next thing I thought was, He’s just doing this to get more people to tune in when he hosts SNL. Then, after hosting SNL he still didn’t drop out. Not only did he stay in the race, but he’s been leading the Republican candidates ever since. Republicans who actually work in politics, except the creepy doctor with the lazy hands. But for the other dudes — Politics is their actual job.

Donald Trump is leading against actual senators and current government figures. Donald Trump is leading by (h)uge numbers (a guy who thinks the ‘h’ in ‘huge’ is a silent one). How shitty are Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio and these other Republicans running against Trump? These guys suck so bad that they’re losing to a celebrity billionaire (or maybe just a millionaire).

People choosing Trump of “qualified government officials” is like if I chipped a tooth, and I went to see a dentist for a quote to fix that tooth. Then the dentist told me, “That’s like $500,” but my friend was there with me. And my friend tells me, “I can fix it. Just buy me a beer.” So I tell the dentist, “No thanks, I’m just gonna go with this guy.”

It’s great to hear Americans say, “I love Donald Trump because he speaks the truth,” because what they’re really saying is, “I love Donald Trump because he’s racist. And I am also racist. That’s why I like him.”

The strangest thing is that Donald Trump is winning by so much, yet I haven’t met one person who openly supports Trump. His rallies are full of people, just horrible people that I would never be friends with. It’s like how I’ve never met anyone who watches any of these “ #1 comedies” on CBS, like Two & Half Men or The Big Bang Theory. But, according to CBS, these people do exist because the numbers don’t lie. Or maybe someone is lying to us. Or the person running these numbers is just not good at math.

It’s time for everyone to stop worrying. Donald Trump has ZERO chance at becoming “America’s Next Top President!” Why? Because none of our votes actually count. It’s all up to twelve dudes in a room. And once they release that white smoke from their little chimney we will know who our new president is…

NOT DONALD TRUMP.

Probably Hillary or some other person we don’t know yet. Maybe our next president will be Ross Perot (Is Ross Perot still alive?).

 
***CORRECTION : Since writing this article I was informed that twelve dudes is a jury. And the white smoke thing is how the Catholic Church picks the pope. So, I would like to apologize. I was wrong. We’re screwed, America! Have a nice day.