Trump or No Trump, Life is Still Pretty Neat

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I decided to make a new learning today because I know many of you are sad to see O’Bama leave today.

This morning, I turned on the Today Show expecting to see my normal everyday Matt, Savannah, Al and the whole gang, but instead it was Matt and two strangers in Washington D.C. going on about our new president. It made me angry at first, but then I began to think of a few reasons why life is still pretty neat. And here are a few of those reasons:

 

1 Mister Ed on YouTube

I was listening to the Harmontown podcast the other day, when Jeff B. Davis started talking about Mr. Ed (the black & white talking horse show). I remember watching this on Nick at Nite or somewhere as a kid. Jeff was talking about how the show introduces the idea of a talking horse, but never explains it.

I went on YouTube that night and searched for Mr. Ed and found a playlist of all the episodes. Remember in Anchorman (the first one) when Ron Burgundy said “How now brown cow,” for his warmup? That came from Mr. Ed! Next time you’re feeling sad, watch some Mr. Ed on YouTube and that will cheer you up right away. Unless you’re a big time feminist, since the show is from the 60’s.

 

2 New Star Wars Movie Every Year, Forever

Whether Trump likes it or not, Disney is giving us a new Star Wars adventure each and every year, until forever. Along with 2-3 new Marvel movies each year, and of course Pixar, Disney Animation and live action remakes. Like Drake and Future said, “What a time to be alive.”

Of course some people are whiners, and will never be happy with all these remakes and reboots. The great thing about all these Star Wars movies is that they are made by Star Wars fans. All these directors that are chosen for the next movies grew up loving Star Wars, most of them were even inspired to become directors by Star Wars. It’s like fan fiction, but they have all the real toys and resources to use.

 

3 O’Bama Gets a Break

Although I’ll miss seeing Barrack O’Bama in the White House, at least he finally gets to be retired, and play basketball with other old dudes like Shaq and Charles Barkley. He can finally catch up on everything he missed these past 8 years, like Breaking Bad, Stranger Things and even the Kung Fu Panda Trilogy (which began in 2008, when he took office).

 
It doesn’t matter who the President is, we still live in America and America is Great the way it is.

Also, if these 3 reasons don’t cheer you up maybe you should buy some Ice Cream or Nana Puddin’ from Ferdi’s Ice Cream

 

P.S. This song’s for O’Bama:

 

ST PADDY’S DAY IN AMERICA

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I know many fools love St Patrick’s Day. They love wearing green, drinking green beer, swimming in green fountains and screaming out stupid things like, “Kiss me, I’m Irish.” That trick only works if you’re Irish, and it probably doesn’t really work too often, because about 90% of Irish people are Gingers. And who wants to kiss a Ginger? (I’m sorry, that was rude. I’m not here to attack the Gingers, I’m here to attack the fake Irish people. Also, I love Gingers, especially the lady kind).

So, yesterday was a big day for the drinking (or Alcoholics, as I like to call them). Back in Tallahassee (and probably every college town in America) the bars would open at 6am and stay open well into the evening. Who was there at 6 am? Probably the bros, who never attended class and lived in their FRAT houses, “No time for legs today, broseph. Gotta get to the Pub bright and early!”

In Miami, St. Patrick’s day is awful. It’s the one night of the year when the Irish bars and pubs actually charge a cover to get in (I’m talking about you Jonathan Martin’s). I would rather celebrate Irish heritage any other day and not pay extra money to eat some Fish n’ Chiops and drink a Guiness.

And since I’m on the subject of St. Patrick’s Day, why was St. Patrick such a drunk? And why did Jesus allow this drunk ginger to become a saint? Was he a sort of drunken Robin Hood, who would get drunk and help out the poor or others in need? What’s your story St. Patrick? And why is everyone drinking to celebrate it?

 

[this is the part where I ‘Googled’ St. Patty’s Day. I didn’t read much, just the first paragraph I found]

 

Apparently, St. Patrick was the Patron Saint of Ireland. He was a Christian missionary who brought Christianity to Ireland, and he wasn’t even Irish. But now there are so many Irish Patricks that it doesn’t really matter. I guess we celebrate his day with barrels of alcohol because he tricked the Irish people into Christianity, with the promise of free booze.

Think of all the parties or events you’ve been to just because they told you there would be “FREE beer and snacks.” Now imagine if they said “There won’t just be any beer, no. This beer will be green.” Of course you’re going to that party. And when you’re well and drunk you’ll sign whatever form or waiver they hand you. Congratulations, now you’re a Christian, enjoy your green beer and your green hangover fools!

 

The one thing I would like to see one St. Patrick’s Day…

“The Lord of the Dance”

SUPER TARGET IS THE TITS!

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The other day I shopped at SUPER TARGET for the first time, and it has forever changed my life. Before this day, I had walked into a SUPER TARGET before, but not to buy anything. I was dragged into SUPER TARGET by someone else, so I didn’t really pay attention to it. Oh, this is just like a Regular Target, but kind of bigger, but I now know that SUPER TARGET is much more than just a larger version of Regular Target.

SUPER TARGET is the snack food Mecca. It’s where companies send their newest products to test them on the public. I saw some brand new items that I didn’t even know existed, because they don’t yet. I don’t even know if I’m allowed to talk about what I saw, but I will, because who even reads this thing anyways?

SUPER TARGET is like Baby D in the hit film Next Friday, from the year 2000. “[SUPER TARGET] know bout all the new snacks before they even hit the street. All the bootleg snacks. The year 2000 snacks… Cupcake got a new Twinkie coming out next month, it’s a bad mothaf**ka. When you bite into it cream filling shoot all in yo mouth, glitter…” (see video below)

Not only do they have all the sweet new snacks and latest food, SUPER TARGET has crazy discounts and sales going on every day. You walk in there for one thing and end up leaving with a bunch of stuff you didn’t even need, but I guess Regular Target does that to you too.

If you thought Regular Target’s dollar section was great, the SUPER TARGET one is even bigger and better. They even have fake koala yummies, straight from China.

The bakery/deli/butchery section is also kind of great. When I first walked into this section I thought maybe I’ll get some cookies, bread or snacks, but I don’t see myself buying meat from Target. But this is SUPER TARGET, they had all the animals to eat. Beef. Chicken. Pork. Lamb. Veal. And they even carry Laura’s Meats. Who is this Laura lady? I don’t care. I saw her picture on the box and I trust her. She looks like the kind of woman who knows about fresh meats. SUPER TARGET is doing it right.

That’s my review or description of SUPER TARGET. Here are the 3 things I saw that changed my life. (I have since been back 3 more times, and have seen even more life-changing things)

1 S’mOREOs

Until this day I had no idea that S’mores Oreos existed, or would ever exist. So, of course I bought them. I had to try S’mores + OREOs? Those are two of my favorite things. On the box they were called Oreo s’mores or s’mores Oreos. Someone on the Oreo team missed a big opportunity. S’MOREOS, you dum dums!  I would most definitely buy these again. Graham cracker cookies with chocolate and vanilla filling.

2 LEGO Hater

The second thing I saw was not a good thing. I was checking out the LEGO aisle to see if any LEGOs were on sale, as I do when I visit any store that sells LEGOs. As always, none were on sale. Leaving the aisle I heard a lady saying, “you don’t want to go down this aisle” to her kid, which I thought was a sarcastic statement, because every kid wants to go down the LEGO aisle. This kid did not, “Ew, I hate LEGOs” and he was 100% serious. I’m sorry kid. Do you hate happiness? Do you hate fun? Do you hate imagination? Do you hate freedom? Are you anti-American? It still makes me angry to think of this stupid little child. So I will stop now.

3 Breakfast Bagel Bites

This third thing just confused me. In the frozen food aisle I saw Bagel Bites with sausage, eggs and bacon on them, instead of pizza things. Breakfast Bagel Bites. That sounds kind of OK, but wasn’t the point of the original bagel bites for you to be able to eat pizza anytime? Yeah, I’m pretty sure that was the entire reason for putting pizza ingredients on mini bagels. It’s in the song, and I should know because that song has been stuck in my head ever since the 90’s. “Pizza in the morning. Pizza in the evening. Pizza at suppertime. When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.” (see other video below)

One thing I didn’t really enjoy at SUPER TARGET is the other people who shop there. A bunch of weirdos. But I guess that’s what happens when you throw a bunch of awesome deals and discounts at people. Also, the people who shop at Regular Target aren’t all that great either. Just this weekend I was at a Regular Target, and I heard a very loud burp. I’m pretty sure the whole store heard it and maybe even smelt it, but that’s not the point. Usually when you hear someone burp really loud, like really, really loud in a public place they will say “excuse me.”

This dirty hillybilly did not say nothing. He just kept walking around, being smelly with his dirty, and possibly smelly family. This family is the reason why the rest of the world hates us.

Dear rest of the world,

We’re not all dirty garbage people. Some of us are actually OK. But I guess most of America, and possibly the rest of the world is filled with garbage people, but be happy you aren’t part of this smelly family at Target, they would never be allowed in a SUPER TARGET, not on my watch.

And that’s all the stuff I learned since first shopping at SUPER TARGET a few weeks ago.

NEXT FRIDAY, BABY D

BAGEL BITES

Paralympic Games

 

 

 

 

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This weekend I learned about the Paralympic games, which take place in Sochi some time after the Olympic games (I haven’t really done any research, so this may not be true). Saturday night I got home at 3:30 in the morning (it would have been 2:30 if it wasn’t for the time change. The time changed while I was driving in my car, so I literally traveled through time! I think that’s how it works, right?).

When I got home I turned on my TV searching for something to watch before bed time. I had left my TV on NBC Sports from watching Chelsea that afternoon (Chelsea #1, Suck it Arsenal!). What I found when I turned on my TV was Paralympic Hockey, which is so much better than regular hockey, and here are some reasons why:

1 Everyone is on a sled, even the goalie!

2 Each player gets not one, but two mini hockey sticks (they also use these to propel themselves around the ice).

3 I didn’t see any fights, but I’m sure a sled fight would be way cooler than a regular hockey standing fight.

4 I saw one dude fall off his sled, and roll over back on to his sled in seconds (and he only had one leg).

If this Hockey is played somewhere near me I would definitely go check it out (maybe even end up with season tickets and a new favorite sports team). I only watched for a few minutes, then I switched to something on Netflix (It always takes about 20 minutes to find the right thing to watch on Netflix, and the next morning I can never remember what I fell asleep watching).

I woke up the next morning with a bunch of questions. Was that a dream, or did I really see Paralympic Hockey last night? If the USA played ITALY last night, then both these countries should have an underground Paralympic Hockey league (where else would they find all these athletes?). What other sports take place in the Paralympics? If I lost a leg would I become a Paralympic athlete? Which sport would I choose? What the hell was I watching on the Netflix last night?

I still don’t know the answers to many of these questions, but I do know that if I happen to catch some more Paralympic events on TV this week, I will be watching and cheering for the USA!