Trump or No Trump, Life is Still Pretty Neat

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I decided to make a new learning today because I know many of you are sad to see O’Bama leave today.

This morning, I turned on the Today Show expecting to see my normal everyday Matt, Savannah, Al and the whole gang, but instead it was Matt and two strangers in Washington D.C. going on about our new president. It made me angry at first, but then I began to think of a few reasons why life is still pretty neat. And here are a few of those reasons:

 

1 Mister Ed on YouTube

I was listening to the Harmontown podcast the other day, when Jeff B. Davis started talking about Mr. Ed (the black & white talking horse show). I remember watching this on Nick at Nite or somewhere as a kid. Jeff was talking about how the show introduces the idea of a talking horse, but never explains it.

I went on YouTube that night and searched for Mr. Ed and found a playlist of all the episodes. Remember in Anchorman (the first one) when Ron Burgundy said “How now brown cow,” for his warmup? That came from Mr. Ed! Next time you’re feeling sad, watch some Mr. Ed on YouTube and that will cheer you up right away. Unless you’re a big time feminist, since the show is from the 60’s.

 

2 New Star Wars Movie Every Year, Forever

Whether Trump likes it or not, Disney is giving us a new Star Wars adventure each and every year, until forever. Along with 2-3 new Marvel movies each year, and of course Pixar, Disney Animation and live action remakes. Like Drake and Future said, “What a time to be alive.”

Of course some people are whiners, and will never be happy with all these remakes and reboots. The great thing about all these Star Wars movies is that they are made by Star Wars fans. All these directors that are chosen for the next movies grew up loving Star Wars, most of them were even inspired to become directors by Star Wars. It’s like fan fiction, but they have all the real toys and resources to use.

 

3 O’Bama Gets a Break

Although I’ll miss seeing Barrack O’Bama in the White House, at least he finally gets to be retired, and play basketball with other old dudes like Shaq and Charles Barkley. He can finally catch up on everything he missed these past 8 years, like Breaking Bad, Stranger Things and even the Kung Fu Panda Trilogy (which began in 2008, when he took office).

 
It doesn’t matter who the President is, we still live in America and America is Great the way it is.

Also, if these 3 reasons don’t cheer you up maybe you should buy some Ice Cream or Nana Puddin’ from Ferdi’s Ice Cream

 

P.S. This song’s for O’Bama:

 

Addiction

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This week I realized that I had an addiction to Tetris (on my iPhone). I’ve had Tetris on my iPhone for years, but it wasn’t until a few months ago that I had to play each and every day. The past few years I would play a few games every once in awhile and try to break a million points. You’d think once you finally break a million, you won’t need to play the game anymore. However, that wasn’t the case. Once I finally broke a million I quickly found out I needed to do it again.

It got to the point where anytime I had a free minute I would be playing Tetris. And that free minute would easily become 30 or more minutes. At work, watching TV, in my bed. These are all acceptable places to play iPhone games. It wasn’t until two nights ago when I was driving home from somewhere and thought, I’ve driven this road many times, I could totally play right now. I didn’t end up playing while driving, because I’m not an idiot, but just having the idea of playing Tetris while driving scared me. So, I played one last game in my bed that night before finally saying RIP to Tetris on my iPhone.

I still have Tetris on my iPad, plus the only game I have for my Pokémon Game Boy Color (which I stole from my friend’s little brother back in High School) is Tetris. This definitely isn’t the end of Tetris for me, but I will try to keep it off my iPhone for as long as I can (that can be a few months, days, I may even download it back on my phone later today).

This is how it goes with most iPhone games and me. I download a game, play it for a while until I get super addicted and then finally delete it because it’s ruining my life. Another game I had to delete was Crossy Road.

I once saw my nephew playing Crossy Road, so I decided I should download it and beat his high score. Crossy Road is just a boxy Frogger. I don’t know how these people got away with it, but they literally got frogger and drew boxes over everything, and now they have millions of dollar for it. The only difference between Crossy Road and Frogger is that you don’t have to be the one character every time. The more you play the more characters, icons and costumes you unlock.

I remember the day I got rid of Crossy Road, I was playing over and over and I kept dying with low scores. I finally died and looked up at the real world for the first time in what felt like hours, but was probably only a few minutes. When I looked up the world looked distorted and I thought, I have enough vision problems, so I instantly deleted Crossy Road.

Maybe I should have been an architect, because I love Tetris (it’s basically the same thing).

If you find yourself addicted to a game or app on your iPhone just delete it and see how much better your life will become. Ever since deleting Facebook and Facebook Messenger from my iPhone back in February I still haven’t re-downloaded them and my life is 100 times better for it.

Black Fuzzy Dice

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I am not a horrible person, but I do have a pair of black fuzzy dice hanging on my car’s rearview mirror. Why did I have to start that sentence withI am not a horrible person”? Lately, I’ve noticed other cars and drivers with fuzzy dice on their rearview mirror, and most of them look like the type of people I don’t want to be associated with. I won’t go into what type of people they look like, but I’ll tell you it does rhyme with minimal.

Have you ever seen a car on the street with fuzzy dice on the rearview mirror? Maybe not since the 1980’s, but when you do end up next to one of these drivers the first thing you do is lock your doors. Then, you think to yourself, does this make me racist?  

Why do I keep the dice on my mirror then? I have to. I learned how to drive with them about 15 years ago. And if I took them down it would be weird not to have something obstructing my view. Also, I like keeping other drivers on their toes, give them a little scare. They see the dice first and freak out, but then they see me and may think, he don’t look so bad.

Another reason I have to keep the dice is so it’s easier to spot my car. There’s only so many makes, models and colors of cars. What if I happen to park next to or near a car that looks identical to mine? I’ll know mine is the one with the black fuzzy dice, but also I have a clicker that only works for my car.

Where did these black fuzzy dice come from? I bought them on a weekend field trip to Sawgrass Mills Mall with my mom back in middle school. A friend and I bought them together (or my mom probably bought them for us, because we were young and poor), because we thought they would look sweet on our BMX bikes. And guess what? They did look pretty sweet on our BMX bikes, so sweet in fact that I had to move them to my mom’s van when I first started driving. From there they went to my Ford Focus (my first car), then my X-Terra (second car) and now they’re on my Jeep (new car), but it may be time to finally retire these black fuzzy dice.

The dice are in horrible condition. When I bought them they were black, now they are grey-ish from years in the hot Florida sun. They are no longer a working pair of 6-sided dice. They are now 1, 2, 2, 4, 5, 5 dice. I’ve lost a few dots along the way.

What’s the first thing someone does when they see my black fuzzy dice? Anytime someone gets in my car for the first time, they slap my dice (probably the reason for missing dots). Other people slap the dice anytime they get in my car. And the most annoying people slap them over and over as I drive somewhere. I can deal with the obstruction of vision, but when you slap them you’re just adding new blind zones and making it easier for me to crash and kill us both.

I will retire these dice soon if (1) someone buys me a brand new pair (I saw some nice Mickey dice in Disney, but they are a bit smaller so I haven’t bought them yet), (2) someone steals them, if they are stolen I will have no other choice but to retire my fuzzy dice, (3) or if I happen to buy some dice myself (which is probably the least likely to happen).

So, next time any of you are in Sawgrass Mills and you happen to see some sweet fuzzy dice or some other rearview mirror ornament that might look swell on my Jeep, go ahead and buy them for me. You may even get a free ice cream or Nana pudding.

Also, order some ice cream and nana pudding, I got to pay my bills somehow…

Debate Night: Part II

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Last Sunday, I was tricked into watching the second Presidential debate. How did I get tricked into watching a debate? I’ll tell ya. On my way to a birthday celebration I stopped by my friends’ new home to gift them some special coffee beans, because I am a great friend! We had some magical coffee and I helped them organize the house a bit (or maybe just watched them do that while drinking my coffee).

When it was time for me to leave they told me to return after the birthday celebration to watch the debate, and I said, “only if we can also watch Westworld episode 2.” I came back for the debate with beers and I was fed delicious food, but I got no Westworld episode 2. I had to wait a whole extra day until Monday night to watch Westworld episode two. Luckily Westworld is not at Game of Thrones status yet, or it would have been spoiled.

The debate was stupid. Just two grown ups acting like little baby kids. Each candidate would begin with “He/she said this…” then the next one would go saying, “Uh, I never said that, but you did say this…” and on and on it went for two whole hours! It was stupid and I didn’t learn a thing about either candidate during the whole thing.

Donald would say things like, “She’s a liar,” or “She’s a thief,” but would never explain why. And Hillary would say words, I’m just not sure what they all meant. Both candidates would try to talk the most when it wasn’t their turn. That’s why this second debate needed not one, but two moderators to try to stop the candidates from speaking out of turn, which did not work out very well.

They were featuring some hot tweets on the screen, so I immediately began tweeting to try and get featured on TV. Here’s some of my better tweets from the debate:

 

 

I began tweeting too late, because once I began they took down the Twitter feed and replaced it with, WATCH THE DEBATE ONLINE, even though if you’re seeing that message it’s too late, because that means you are already watching the debate.

The one thing I did learn during this debate, because I was guilty of it too, is that the only reason anyone watches these debates or any other live event on TV is to have an opinion to share on social media. Any time there’s a  live event is on TV, your social news feeds get filled with people talking crap about any little thing they notice (which is exactly what I did on Twitter that night).

I heard there’s supposed to be another debate, and I for one will not be watching it. In fact, I’ll boycott it if anyone tries to make me watch it. I don’t have to watch it, I already voted. And in case you’re wondering, the answer is YES! I did vote [Fill in the Blank], and I wrote “OBAMA” in the blank. If we all write OBAMA as our fill in the blank, then he can win! Yes We Can, everyone! #OBAMA2016

Also, in case you missed the debate, we all know who the true winner was last Sunday night…

#BONEZONE

Hey, Ken Bone! Why you gotta be so rude to Wreck-it Ralph… #debatenight

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Another Non-Learning

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Hi World,

I’ve been busy the last few weeks making ice creams and drawings and playing Madden, trying out Overwatch when it was Free for the weekend, then buying Overwatch when it was on sale this week. So, now I have no learning for you to read (that’s fine though, you can get your work done instead and go enjoy your weekend sooner).

I do have 3 Learning concepts in the works and hope to finish writing all three in the next two weeks. Did you hear that? If you’re lucky you’ll receive 3 new learnings in just 2 weeks…

What? That’s like 1.5 learnings each week! That’s fantastical!
Stay tuned for more.

If you’re missing the learnings I have the perfect remedy for you… Ferdi’s Ice Cream and Nana Pudding!

Buy my ice cream!

 

Thanks,

See you later or see you never…

THE RETURN OF BTS MUGSHOTS

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Last week marked the return of the “Back to School Mugshot,” which is something I don’t really remember from my childhood, but I guess has become a thing thanks to Social Media and all that jazz. Every year around this time your Instagram and Facebook feeds become filled with pictures of small children holding up a cardboard sign with their number or grade. These look like cute little mugshots of young/future criminals or maybe it’s a ransom note of a child asking you to save them from their deranged parents.

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I know there’s one of these pictures of me in a photo album somewhere, but my mom took that picture for herself, not to show off to all her friends (also, there was no internet back then, so she would have to go knocking on everyone’s door to show them this strange picture of me). Also, the picture of me isn’t a mugshot, it’s me standing there in my uniform with my Ninja Turtles lunch box. Probably of my first day of school or grade school.

Why do parents torture their children just to share it with the whole world?

More likes!

Have you ever posted a photo on Instagram or Facebook (Let’s not talk about Twitter, you won’t get many likes there…) just to see how many likes you get?  Here’s some quick numbers I made up from posts I’ve seen:
 
Baby Puppies = 50+ likes
Lil’ Kitties = 75+ likes
Cute babies = 100+ likes
Ugly Babies = 110+ [pity] likes

Next time you’re with someone who has a baby, borrow it for a second, take a picture (of or with that baby) and post it on Instagram or Facebook. See how many “likes” that picture gets compared to your others, you may even get some comments like, “Aw cute!,” “LOL” or “When did you get a baby???”

I’ve seen many (non-parent) girls who are extremely obsessed with ‘upping’ their “Likes” and “Followers” pull this move:

1 They ask a friend/stranger to borrow their baby.
2 They take a “Selfie” with that baby.
3 They quickly hand that baby off to their mother.
4 They post the pic and watch all day for results.

And they will get plenty of them. Whoring yourself out for Social Media interactions is like fantasy football for these girls. They’re just battling to see who will receive the most interactions/engagements, but there is no money to be won.

So, next time you think of using someone’s baby or your own baby just to get more engagement on social media, first ask the child if they mind.

And here’s something else…

ZIKA isn’t Real!

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If you think ZIKA is real, then you are a fool. If you think it’s all over Miami, then you are an even bigger fool!

Let’s travel to the birthplace of this ZIKA conspiracy, the Rio Olympics which just ended. Out of over 10,000 athletes (thanks, Wikipedia) how many do you think came home with ZIKA???

ZERO, zero came home with ZIKA! (Not just home to America, home to everywhere).

Everyone has been freaking out about ZIKA in Wynwood and Midtown. Everyone except the people who live and work there, because they know the truth: ZIKA is not real. And now it’s in Miami Beach??? Where will it head to next???

My phone even told me that the new Joe Robbie Stadium [AKA Pro Player, AKA Land Shark, AKA Sun Life, AKA Dolphin Stadium, AKA Hard Rock Stadium] has special mosquito protection, even though it’s way out of the current “ZIKA Zones.” All this ZIKA-talk is just the dirty media trying to scare us and keep us indoors.

This is why I never watch the news. When’s the last time you watched the news and saw a happy story? Maybe in the good old 1900’s, since then it’s all just a bunch of scare tactics! Here’s three examples of things you may hear on the news, today:

[1]
NEWS ANCHOR: Is it safe to drink your water? Find out tonight at 10pm on ___News!

YOU: At 10? It’s not even 10 am and I’m thirsty now. I have to wait 12 hours to drink water???

 

[2]
NEWS ANCHOR: Is it going to rain today? Find out next week on the morning news at 4am.

YOU: What? Next week, for today’s forecast?

 

[3]
NEWS ANCHOR: Is it safe to go outside? NO, it’s not! Lock your door and watch our news show at 6 pm

YOU: OK!

 

Back to your regularly scheduled ZIKA learning:

Last Saturday, I was in Wynwood and Midtown all day (from 1 pm till 10 pm) and in those 9 hours I saw zero mosquitos. I wore my long-sleeve Columbia fishing shirt, (I spelled that right. I’m talking about the outerwear company, not the country) because I was tricked by the news.

After spending the whole day in Wynwood, I’m positive that there is nothing to worry about. It’s all the media dirtbags trying to get us to watch their depressing news programs and vote for some dumb politicians.

Each day, they show a different mayor or candidate walking through the “ZIKA-infested” streets of Wynwood with their hazmat suit crew spraying pesticides all over. These pesticides are the real problem, that’s what’s going to get you sick. These politicians aren’t scientists. What do they know about mosquitos?

Don’t stop living your life. Get out and see the world. Because if you don’t then those idiots at FOX NEWS win!

ZIKA isn’t real, but in case it is maybe you should wear bug spray! Also, none of this is real, it’s all just a simulation! And in the words of the great Jeff Davis, “Live fast and take chances!” That’s all.