UBER DRIVERS aka THE WORST DRIVERS

1466622512-Uber_Music_webFL title

This week I learned a valuable lesson, and it’s not just that all Uber drivers are horrible drivers. I also figured out why all Uber drivers are horrible drivers. I don’t ride in many Ubers (I’ve probably ridden in less than ten Ubers, and zero of those were by myself). I prefer to drive my own car. Key Biscayne is way too far from anywhere in Miami to ride through all those mangroves in the back of a strange car with a stranger. It’s not that I wouldn’t feel safe, I’m a boy, I feel safe pretty much anywhere (except for rollercoasters, parasailing, shark infested waters…). It’s not a question of safety, I just don’t want to talk to a creepy driver — it would be a very awkward situation.

I enjoy driving myself around, unless I’m stuck in traffic. I like to listen to my podcasts or music while driving in my own car. When someone else drives me around, even a friend, I get annoyed by whatever they’re listening to (I may even like the music they chose, but I’m annoyed because I didn’t pick it myself). I love being in my comfy car with leather seats and even bum warmers, if needed (which I don’t because I live in Miami). That’s enough reasons for why I don’t use Uber, but I’m not trying to tell you not to use Uber, just that the drivers suck at the one thing they should know how to do — drive!

Back in the day, (B.U.) Before Uber most cars on the road that drove too slow, didn’t use their turn signal, slammed their brakes in the middle of traffic or did any other stupid thing all had one of two things in common. (1) They either had a UM license plate or sticker on their car, or (2) they were an elderly person, and sometimes they were both.

Lately, there are two new signs that may indicate you’re dealing with a horrible driver. (3) They have a Trump bumper sticker, or (4) they are an Uber driver. And some of these horrible drivers are UM-lovin’ Trump-huggin’ Elderly Uber Drivers. If you fall under all four categories you should have never been given a license to drive.

The other day, I started to thinking to myself, Hey, why are Uber drivers are so bad at driving? And I realized what the problem is. Uber drivers are so bad at driving, because they have no idea where they are going (Think about it!). Imagine if you just got into your car and started driving to no specific destination, because you were waiting for your phone to tell you exactly where to go. Most Uber drivers don’t know where they are going 90% of the time. They are just driving aimlessly, staring at their phone for a clue on where to go. Their phone that’s sticking to the windshield by that silly suction cup holder.

Uber drivers don’t know where they are going until you request them. And any time they receive a request they are either headed the wrong way or on the wrong side of the street. Picking up or dropping off the person to get a good rating is the most important thing in their life, so much so that they don’t pay attention to anyone else on the road. They are always in our way.

Uber drivers will instantly stop in the middle of traffic to drop off their passengers, and I have no shame honking at them. I have no problem giving them a good old-fashioned “Fotutazo*” for blocking my way. There are two types of drivers I don’t respect, (1) children in golf carts and (2) Uber drivers — Because they both don’t belong behind the wheel.

If you’re a LYFT driver, this also applies to you. I just used Uber because it’s like the Kleenex of driving companies, however LYFT may take over, like the whole Oreo v. Hydrox thing (If you don’t know about Hydrox, google it!)

 

*FOTUTAZO: Coming from the Cuban word Fotuto, meaning car horn.

**ADDITIONAL NOTE: Did you see the Uber driver in the title image? He’s not even watching the road, he’s laughing with his passengers. Look at the damn road, driver!

Advertisements

MY THOUGHTS ON JIMMY BUFFETT

buffett-filejpg-ed76117160b4c70dFL title

This week’s learning isn’t about something that I recently discovered. This week I’m talking about something that I’ve known for quite some time. Before I go any further, let me just tell you that I am only expressing my opinion on this particular subject. If you do not agree with me, that is fine, you may just be an idiot.

What I’ve known for a while now is this:

Jimmy Buffett’s music is garbage!

It’s basically “The Wiggles,” but instead of being created with children in mind, he’s catering to a much different crowd — Drunken older white people (A.K.A. Parrotheads).

Any time Jimmy Buffett writes a new song, he uses the same formula as Barney, the Wiggles and all the other musical children’s TV shows. He asks himself these questions:

1 What does my audience like?

Cheeseburgers, Margaritas, Not Math

 

2 How can I make a catchy song about this subject?

Cheeseburger in Paradise, Margaritaville, Math Sucks


Two of these three songs became global restaurant chains.

Jimmy Buffett’s music may suck (like Math, according to him — I actually think math is awesome, and knowledge is power), but he is a killer business man. He has restaurants, bars, hotels, books, beers, blenders, drink mixes, sauces and all kinds of swag. He’s in Jurassic World (Spoiler Alert!) and there’s even a fake Margaritaville in the fake park in the movie.

Buffett is neither an “artist” nor a “musician,” he’s an entrepreneur who enjoys drinking, chilling outdoors and drinking some more. I just wanted to share my opinion about his music being for simple children who grew up to be simple adults. But you gotta give the man some credit, he is a genius who lived through a plane crash.

To demonstrate my point, watch this video for Fins.
What a dumb song…

JIMMY BUFFETT – FINS

 

Ok, maybe it’s not that bad, and it is kind of catchy. Look how much fun the drunk old white people are having. And the song comes with it’s own cool and easy-to-follow dance moves, like Soulja Boy but way simpler.

Maybe I was wrong.

Maybe Jimmy Buffett doesn’t suck so much.

DOGS @ DISNEY

Goofy-and-Pluto-DisneyFL title

This past week I realized something. I haven’t been to Disney in a long time — like three or four months. That isn’t very long to a non-Florida resident, but when you’re only three and a half hours away, that’s a long time. After opening my 2017 with four or five visits to Disney, it feels like I haven’t been there in half a year.

My pass is “Blacked Out” during the summer time, meaning I’m not allowed to use it from June to mid-August. And that’s fine, because, “Who wants to go during to Disney during the summer when it’s so hot and crowded,” which is something all Silver and Gold Passholders say. I do intend to return to Disney some time this month or next, definitely for Food and Wine (a.k.a. Food and Lines Festival, because all you do is eat food and wait in line, for more food).

In my last visit to Disney, some time in April or May, I noticed something. I saw a blind person with their guide dog. At first I thought, Aw, cool. That dog gets to go to Disney, but later I thought about all of the other dogs. The ones who don’t get to go to Disney, and that made me sad. Plus, this dog who does get to go to Disney doesn’t get to enjoy any of it because he or she is at work.

Imagine a dog in Disney. A free, non-working dog in Disney. They would love it. But, the only dog that gets to go to Disney is one who doesn’t get to enjoy it at all — the service dog. They walk their owner back and forth and all around the parks, and have to wear a huge sign on their back that basically says, “I’M NOT HERE!”

It’s nice that some dogs get to have jobs, other than filling our hearts with joy and loving us forever no matter what. Some dogs get to be police, others get to be mascots and still others get to be basketball players (Air Bud). It’s cool that guide dogs are helping out a blind human, but it’s probably a depressing life for the dog. And why don’t any of these dogs get paid for their work?

Enough about equal wages for dogs, let’s get back to dogs at Disney. It’s also sad that the dog owner doesn’t get to truly experience Disney either, since they are blind. They just get to walk around and listen, but they don’t get to fully experience the attractions. The rides must be terrifying when you’re blind, everything must feel like space mountain.

It’s too bad that the only dogs that will ever get to enjoy Disney parks are Pluto and Goofy, and both of those are humans in sweaty dog costumes, because this is Florida and it’s super hot every day except for maybe one or two days of the year. I’m not even going to get into the fact that Mickey owns a dog while also being best friends with a dog.

Also, why are there so many ducks in Disney? Ducks get to enjoy the parks, terrorize the children for leftovers and eat all of the fallen turkey legs, ice cream and garbage people leave behind. The ducks are like the biker gang of Disney Parks. So, the ducks are allowed but man’s best friend has to stay home while we go visit the happiest place on Earth.

What the Health?

WTH_NetflixFL title

A few weeks ago, I watched the documentary What the Health on Netflix. I really only watched about 20 minutes of it, but that’s all I needed to form an opinion and write about it here. This documentary was created to inform us that everything we are currently eating is cancer, unless you are a full-Vegan (or plant-based vegan).

What I learned from watching about 20 minutes of this doc is that there are two types of people in this world, (1) those who get cancer, and (2) those who die before they realize they’ve got cancer.

According to the doc the animals we eat are filled with tons of carcinogens inside of their bodies, which is why every week on Facebook there’s a new article posted by some dum dum, that says “[This type of meat] gives you cancer!”

I gave the Plant-based, full-Vegan diet a thought, but then realized that I can’t take meat, fish, dairy and all of the other delicious things out of my life. I love pizza, tacos and Pretzel M&M’s! They did mention in the doc that human’s are the only animals that drink other animal’s milk, which when you say it like that it does sound kind of weird. We drink everyone’s milk: cow’s milk, goat’s milk, almond’s milk, coconut’s milk, soy’s milk and so many others. Most of these don’t even sound like actual milk.

What the Health also mentioned that the Health industry is trying to kill us. They feed us all of the unhealthy food to get us sick and treat us with their expensive drugs. This part I do believe. The drug cartels invented the food pyramid to get us sick and cure our diseases with their expensive drugs!

The health industry is kind of like that book or movie where the mom is feeding all the kids just a little bit of poison, so she can take care of them while their sick, because it makes her feel better. I think that’s a book or movie I’ve seen. If anyone knows the name please let me know in the comments. Maybe it was an episode of Dexter, or just part of the plot of Crimson Peak?

The reasoning behind all the animals having cancer in their bodies is because the animals are breathing in smoke and pollution from nearby factories. Guess what, What The Health, we are breathing in that same air, so we already have the cancer inside of us. If that’s the case, I’m going to continue eating my normal diet, but I may add some Plant-based meals here and there. And if I do it’s because I want to, and not because you told me to!

I don’t think I will ever finish watching the rest of the documentary because I already got what I needed out of it (this 500 word Learning). So thank you, What the Health. Now it’s time to go back to Life in Pieces and GLOW on Netflix.

 

*If you have any Netflix recommendations please comment below, that or if you know the movie or book I was talking about. Was it Misery?

**One more thing, I was going to talk about Joaquin Phoenix and his last documentary (or Mock-umentary, I’m Still Here), where he tricked us all in to believing that he had gone off the rails. Also, I am no scientist, doctor or food specialist, this is all based on my opinions after watching just 20 minutes of this documentary.

TACO BELL IS STILL AWESOME!

tacos-and-live-masFL title

Last night, I ate Taco Bell for the first time in maybe 3-5 years. And let me tell you that Taco Bell is still as awesome as I remember, except it’s better now. Lately, the only fast food I’ve been eating is Burger King. Anytime it’s Thursday and I get out of Improv class at 10PM and I’m starving, but don’t feel like going to Publix to get something I have to cook, I always end up at the Burger King drive-thru. Which was getting to the point that I had to stop myself and say, “No more BK!”

I’ve been dying to go to Taco Bell since they released that Naked Chicken Taco, but the bad news is that it’s already gone. Every time I drove by a TB, I would think of stopping, but then I would think to myself, Wait, will this meal even make it back to Key Biscayne without getting all sogged up and ruined? Because I usually don’t like to eat food in the car, I would rather eat it once I get home watching my recorded TV programs.

Last night I wasn’t even that hungry. I just had a weird day and felt that it was time for some TB. I arrived to an empty drive thru, with no cars in front of me and no time to read over the new, super massive menu. The voice in the box instantly asked, “What would you like,” and I replied with a long, “Uhhhhhhhhhh…,” as I quickly sifted through all the new additions to the menu.

I remember when the menu was so simple, there were some tacos, burritos, quesadillas, chalupas and a few other things. Since my last visit they’ve added a bunch of hybrid items like “quesa-ritos,” “double-dillas” and so much more.

When I was younger my order was very simple, “Three taco meal, soft, only beef and cheese and a chicken quesadilla.” Today, that would be too plain and boring, I needed to try something new, especially after 3-5 years of not visiting TB.

I decided I’d ask for three things and three things only, but what would those three things be? I first decided on a Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco, only beef and cheese. Cool Ranch Doritos have forever and always been my favorite Doritos, the purple Spicy Chili comes in a close second now, but never Nacho Cheese. The taco shell wasn’t overly Cool Ranch-y, but it still had enough of that flavor that I was happy with it.

For my second item I asked for a Quesarito, not knowing exactly what it was. I went with the spicy beef. I’m pretty sure there was cheese, beef, rice, sour cream and maybe some other stuff in there. It was mighty good. I guess it was a burrito with extra cheese that was put on the plancha like a quesadilla. Whatever it was I was satisfied with it.

My third and final item was the Cheesy Stuffed Gordita (or Cheesy Stuffed Gordita Supreme), with beef and no lettuce. I’m not sure which one I got, because I first asked for the Supreme and the guy said it didn’t exist, although I did read it somewhere on that giant menu. This was also delicious, although I waited too long to eat it and the crunchiness of the taco inside the Gordita was not as crunchy as I would have liked.

Why did I choose these three items? The Doritos Locos was always on my mind from the moment I first arrived and saw they had a Cool Ranch version (I thought that was an LTO, limited time offer, #FastFoodTalk). The other two were crunch time decisions. I was panicked by the voice in the box and felt I was put on the spot and had to order before an imaginary shot clock ran out. So, I quickly looked through the menu and said whatever items caught my attention. I also didn’t want to start asking questions about each item, “Now the quesarito, what is that all about?” And have to listen to this guy’s explanations of each item.

Knowing what I know now, about the super massive menu at Taco Bell I will definitely do my research before going back. I may study the menu to be prepared for my next visit. Maybe I’ll print it out and highlight some items that I am curious about. Either way, I will definitely be visiting TB some time in the near future (I’m not waiting another 3-5 years), and when I do visit I will be prepared.

 

What are some of your favorite Taco Bell items? (tell me by commenting below, and if you think you’re too good for Taco Bell, keep that sh*t to yourself…)

DON’T WASTE YOUR $$$ ON SMELLS!

14skin650.3FL title

Earlier this year, I was at my friend’s house where I learned a very valuable life lesson. They told me that whenever they run out of perfume, they just go to Sephora and get a bunch of samples before they buy anything new. Genius, right?

I always knew I could go there and spray the fragrances on the little white stick, but that doesn’t give you the true experience of wearing a smell for the whole day. You need to test drive fragrances to make sure you can handle them. Sure, it may smell great in the store on the little white stick, but will it give you a migraine after 2 hours, or will the smell blend in with the other smells of the world and not bother you. So, many questions can be answered, just by taking a few samples home.

When you first arrive at Sephora, don’t lie and say, “I’m looking for a brand new fragrance in my life,” because you will be thrown into a B.S. quiz filled with nonsense questions that will recommend smells based on: What side of the bed do you wake up on? What is your typical day? Who’s your favorite Beach Boy? (It’s like a IRL Buzzfeed quiz. You know it doesn’t mean anything, but you do it anyway).

I took this crappy quiz and learned nothing. Then I talked to the ‘fragrance specialist’ and she asked me a bunch of stupid questions, like: What’s your favorite day of the week? What kind of cereal do you hate? If you had to live on a planet, other than Earth, which planet would it be? I told her my answers: Thursday, Raisin Bran, Neptune, which didn’t seem to help at all.

Next, I found a familiar bottle of cologne which I’d had some time ago. I told her, “I use to have this one, and I liked the smell of it.” She proceeded to fill a sample of that and a few others that smelled quite like it. I brought home three small samples, all with the word ‘Blue’ in the names. I guess my favorite color’s smell is blue.

This happened a few months ago and I still have all three samples, and they are all pretty full. I don’t think I am looking to buy a new cologne, at all. I think I found my new system of having a collection of colognes from now until the end of time. I will just keep using samples and going to Sephora, every time I run out. (There are tons of Sephoras in Miami, they will never catch me!) And, it’s much easier than choosing just one smell to buy.

You all should do the same. Don’t waste money buying expensive smells from Sephora and department stores, or if you’re in Miami, there’s a place on Burt’s Road that sells them for way cheaper.

APPLES 2 ORANGES

ApplesOrangesFL title

I don’t remember what I was watching the other day, but I do remember someone saying, “That’s like comparing Apples to Oranges.” This wasn’t the first time I’d heard this phrase being used. However, it was the first time I actually thought about it, and I realized how dumb this phrase actually is.

For those of you who don’t know, or have never heard this phrase (aka foreigners), it is used when trying to compare two things that are incomparable. For instance, if I were to ask, “What’s better? Sunglasses or Chocolate.” Someone might say, “Come on man, that’s like comparing Apples to Oranges.” But, it isn’t anything like comparing Apples to Oranges, and I’ll tell you why:

Sure, Apples and Oranges have different flavor profiles, but they still have so much in common.

For instance, they are both fruits, which grow from the ground, and they both contain seeds. That’s already three things. They are both things you eat. And they can both be enjoyed as a delicious juice. They are both sweet, and are both used as candy flavors. They are both roundish, and one is orange and one is red, which are two colors that may be mistaken for each other. They both come in a multitude of varieties. They are both sold by the pound. You get the idea.

If you want to tell someone, “Wow, that’s a weird thing to compare!” Maybe you should use an odder comparison. Maybe, something like Apples to Space Shuttles or Oranges to Laser Guns, or Bananas to Headphones, or Pears to Pencils. All of these examples make more sense, because someone could say, “Yeah, why would you compare those two things?”

So, next time you want to tell someone that they are comparing, “Apples to Oranges,” think of a stranger example. For one thing, it will probably get a laugh, but also you will seem smarter than you actually are.

Comment with some of your _____ to ______ examples below… or don’t, if you want to be a dick…

Thank you!