UBER DRIVERS aka THE WORST DRIVERS

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This week I learned a valuable lesson, and it’s not just that all Uber drivers are horrible drivers. I also figured out why all Uber drivers are horrible drivers. I don’t ride in many Ubers (I’ve probably ridden in less than ten Ubers, and zero of those were by myself). I prefer to drive my own car. Key Biscayne is way too far from anywhere in Miami to ride through all those mangroves in the back of a strange car with a stranger. It’s not that I wouldn’t feel safe, I’m a boy, I feel safe pretty much anywhere (except for rollercoasters, parasailing, shark infested waters…). It’s not a question of safety, I just don’t want to talk to a creepy driver — it would be a very awkward situation.

I enjoy driving myself around, unless I’m stuck in traffic. I like to listen to my podcasts or music while driving in my own car. When someone else drives me around, even a friend, I get annoyed by whatever they’re listening to (I may even like the music they chose, but I’m annoyed because I didn’t pick it myself). I love being in my comfy car with leather seats and even bum warmers, if needed (which I don’t because I live in Miami). That’s enough reasons for why I don’t use Uber, but I’m not trying to tell you not to use Uber, just that the drivers suck at the one thing they should know how to do — drive!

Back in the day, (B.U.) Before Uber most cars on the road that drove too slow, didn’t use their turn signal, slammed their brakes in the middle of traffic or did any other stupid thing all had one of two things in common. (1) They either had a UM license plate or sticker on their car, or (2) they were an elderly person, and sometimes they were both.

Lately, there are two new signs that may indicate you’re dealing with a horrible driver. (3) They have a Trump bumper sticker, or (4) they are an Uber driver. And some of these horrible drivers are UM-lovin’ Trump-huggin’ Elderly Uber Drivers. If you fall under all four categories you should have never been given a license to drive.

The other day, I started to thinking to myself, Hey, why are Uber drivers are so bad at driving? And I realized what the problem is. Uber drivers are so bad at driving, because they have no idea where they are going (Think about it!). Imagine if you just got into your car and started driving to no specific destination, because you were waiting for your phone to tell you exactly where to go. Most Uber drivers don’t know where they are going 90% of the time. They are just driving aimlessly, staring at their phone for a clue on where to go. Their phone that’s sticking to the windshield by that silly suction cup holder.

Uber drivers don’t know where they are going until you request them. And any time they receive a request they are either headed the wrong way or on the wrong side of the street. Picking up or dropping off the person to get a good rating is the most important thing in their life, so much so that they don’t pay attention to anyone else on the road. They are always in our way.

Uber drivers will instantly stop in the middle of traffic to drop off their passengers, and I have no shame honking at them. I have no problem giving them a good old-fashioned “Fotutazo*” for blocking my way. There are two types of drivers I don’t respect, (1) children in golf carts and (2) Uber drivers — Because they both don’t belong behind the wheel.

If you’re a LYFT driver, this also applies to you. I just used Uber because it’s like the Kleenex of driving companies, however LYFT may take over, like the whole Oreo v. Hydrox thing (If you don’t know about Hydrox, google it!)

 

*FOTUTAZO: Coming from the Cuban word Fotuto, meaning car horn.

**ADDITIONAL NOTE: Did you see the Uber driver in the title image? He’s not even watching the road, he’s laughing with his passengers. Look at the damn road, driver!

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TACO BELL IS STILL AWESOME!

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Last night, I ate Taco Bell for the first time in maybe 3-5 years. And let me tell you that Taco Bell is still as awesome as I remember, except it’s better now. Lately, the only fast food I’ve been eating is Burger King. Anytime it’s Thursday and I get out of Improv class at 10PM and I’m starving, but don’t feel like going to Publix to get something I have to cook, I always end up at the Burger King drive-thru. Which was getting to the point that I had to stop myself and say, “No more BK!”

I’ve been dying to go to Taco Bell since they released that Naked Chicken Taco, but the bad news is that it’s already gone. Every time I drove by a TB, I would think of stopping, but then I would think to myself, Wait, will this meal even make it back to Key Biscayne without getting all sogged up and ruined? Because I usually don’t like to eat food in the car, I would rather eat it once I get home watching my recorded TV programs.

Last night I wasn’t even that hungry. I just had a weird day and felt that it was time for some TB. I arrived to an empty drive thru, with no cars in front of me and no time to read over the new, super massive menu. The voice in the box instantly asked, “What would you like,” and I replied with a long, “Uhhhhhhhhhh…,” as I quickly sifted through all the new additions to the menu.

I remember when the menu was so simple, there were some tacos, burritos, quesadillas, chalupas and a few other things. Since my last visit they’ve added a bunch of hybrid items like “quesa-ritos,” “double-dillas” and so much more.

When I was younger my order was very simple, “Three taco meal, soft, only beef and cheese and a chicken quesadilla.” Today, that would be too plain and boring, I needed to try something new, especially after 3-5 years of not visiting TB.

I decided I’d ask for three things and three things only, but what would those three things be? I first decided on a Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco, only beef and cheese. Cool Ranch Doritos have forever and always been my favorite Doritos, the purple Spicy Chili comes in a close second now, but never Nacho Cheese. The taco shell wasn’t overly Cool Ranch-y, but it still had enough of that flavor that I was happy with it.

For my second item I asked for a Quesarito, not knowing exactly what it was. I went with the spicy beef. I’m pretty sure there was cheese, beef, rice, sour cream and maybe some other stuff in there. It was mighty good. I guess it was a burrito with extra cheese that was put on the plancha like a quesadilla. Whatever it was I was satisfied with it.

My third and final item was the Cheesy Stuffed Gordita (or Cheesy Stuffed Gordita Supreme), with beef and no lettuce. I’m not sure which one I got, because I first asked for the Supreme and the guy said it didn’t exist, although I did read it somewhere on that giant menu. This was also delicious, although I waited too long to eat it and the crunchiness of the taco inside the Gordita was not as crunchy as I would have liked.

Why did I choose these three items? The Doritos Locos was always on my mind from the moment I first arrived and saw they had a Cool Ranch version (I thought that was an LTO, limited time offer, #FastFoodTalk). The other two were crunch time decisions. I was panicked by the voice in the box and felt I was put on the spot and had to order before an imaginary shot clock ran out. So, I quickly looked through the menu and said whatever items caught my attention. I also didn’t want to start asking questions about each item, “Now the quesarito, what is that all about?” And have to listen to this guy’s explanations of each item.

Knowing what I know now, about the super massive menu at Taco Bell I will definitely do my research before going back. I may study the menu to be prepared for my next visit. Maybe I’ll print it out and highlight some items that I am curious about. Either way, I will definitely be visiting TB some time in the near future (I’m not waiting another 3-5 years), and when I do visit I will be prepared.

 

What are some of your favorite Taco Bell items? (tell me by commenting below, and if you think you’re too good for Taco Bell, keep that sh*t to yourself…)

APPLES 2 ORANGES

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I don’t remember what I was watching the other day, but I do remember someone saying, “That’s like comparing Apples to Oranges.” This wasn’t the first time I’d heard this phrase being used. However, it was the first time I actually thought about it, and I realized how dumb this phrase actually is.

For those of you who don’t know, or have never heard this phrase (aka foreigners), it is used when trying to compare two things that are incomparable. For instance, if I were to ask, “What’s better? Sunglasses or Chocolate.” Someone might say, “Come on man, that’s like comparing Apples to Oranges.” But, it isn’t anything like comparing Apples to Oranges, and I’ll tell you why:

Sure, Apples and Oranges have different flavor profiles, but they still have so much in common.

For instance, they are both fruits, which grow from the ground, and they both contain seeds. That’s already three things. They are both things you eat. And they can both be enjoyed as a delicious juice. They are both sweet, and are both used as candy flavors. They are both roundish, and one is orange and one is red, which are two colors that may be mistaken for each other. They both come in a multitude of varieties. They are both sold by the pound. You get the idea.

If you want to tell someone, “Wow, that’s a weird thing to compare!” Maybe you should use an odder comparison. Maybe, something like Apples to Space Shuttles or Oranges to Laser Guns, or Bananas to Headphones, or Pears to Pencils. All of these examples make more sense, because someone could say, “Yeah, why would you compare those two things?”

So, next time you want to tell someone that they are comparing, “Apples to Oranges,” think of a stranger example. For one thing, it will probably get a laugh, but also you will seem smarter than you actually are.

Comment with some of your _____ to ______ examples below… or don’t, if you want to be a dick…

Thank you!

Trump or No Trump, Life is Still Pretty Neat

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I decided to make a new learning today because I know many of you are sad to see O’Bama leave today.

This morning, I turned on the Today Show expecting to see my normal everyday Matt, Savannah, Al and the whole gang, but instead it was Matt and two strangers in Washington D.C. going on about our new president. It made me angry at first, but then I began to think of a few reasons why life is still pretty neat. And here are a few of those reasons:

 

1 Mister Ed on YouTube

I was listening to the Harmontown podcast the other day, when Jeff B. Davis started talking about Mr. Ed (the black & white talking horse show). I remember watching this on Nick at Nite or somewhere as a kid. Jeff was talking about how the show introduces the idea of a talking horse, but never explains it.

I went on YouTube that night and searched for Mr. Ed and found a playlist of all the episodes. Remember in Anchorman (the first one) when Ron Burgundy said “How now brown cow,” for his warmup? That came from Mr. Ed! Next time you’re feeling sad, watch some Mr. Ed on YouTube and that will cheer you up right away. Unless you’re a big time feminist, since the show is from the 60’s.

 

2 New Star Wars Movie Every Year, Forever

Whether Trump likes it or not, Disney is giving us a new Star Wars adventure each and every year, until forever. Along with 2-3 new Marvel movies each year, and of course Pixar, Disney Animation and live action remakes. Like Drake and Future said, “What a time to be alive.”

Of course some people are whiners, and will never be happy with all these remakes and reboots. The great thing about all these Star Wars movies is that they are made by Star Wars fans. All these directors that are chosen for the next movies grew up loving Star Wars, most of them were even inspired to become directors by Star Wars. It’s like fan fiction, but they have all the real toys and resources to use.

 

3 O’Bama Gets a Break

Although I’ll miss seeing Barrack O’Bama in the White House, at least he finally gets to be retired, and play basketball with other old dudes like Shaq and Charles Barkley. He can finally catch up on everything he missed these past 8 years, like Breaking Bad, Stranger Things and even the Kung Fu Panda Trilogy (which began in 2008, when he took office).

 
It doesn’t matter who the President is, we still live in America and America is Great the way it is.

Also, if these 3 reasons don’t cheer you up maybe you should buy some Ice Cream or Nana Puddin’ from Ferdi’s Ice Cream

 

P.S. This song’s for O’Bama:

 

Addiction

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This week I realized that I had an addiction to Tetris (on my iPhone). I’ve had Tetris on my iPhone for years, but it wasn’t until a few months ago that I had to play each and every day. The past few years I would play a few games every once in awhile and try to break a million points. You’d think once you finally break a million, you won’t need to play the game anymore. However, that wasn’t the case. Once I finally broke a million I quickly found out I needed to do it again.

It got to the point where anytime I had a free minute I would be playing Tetris. And that free minute would easily become 30 or more minutes. At work, watching TV, in my bed. These are all acceptable places to play iPhone games. It wasn’t until two nights ago when I was driving home from somewhere and thought, I’ve driven this road many times, I could totally play right now. I didn’t end up playing while driving, because I’m not an idiot, but just having the idea of playing Tetris while driving scared me. So, I played one last game in my bed that night before finally saying RIP to Tetris on my iPhone.

I still have Tetris on my iPad, plus the only game I have for my Pokémon Game Boy Color (which I stole from my friend’s little brother back in High School) is Tetris. This definitely isn’t the end of Tetris for me, but I will try to keep it off my iPhone for as long as I can (that can be a few months, days, I may even download it back on my phone later today).

This is how it goes with most iPhone games and me. I download a game, play it for a while until I get super addicted and then finally delete it because it’s ruining my life. Another game I had to delete was Crossy Road.

I once saw my nephew playing Crossy Road, so I decided I should download it and beat his high score. Crossy Road is just a boxy Frogger. I don’t know how these people got away with it, but they literally got frogger and drew boxes over everything, and now they have millions of dollar for it. The only difference between Crossy Road and Frogger is that you don’t have to be the one character every time. The more you play the more characters, icons and costumes you unlock.

I remember the day I got rid of Crossy Road, I was playing over and over and I kept dying with low scores. I finally died and looked up at the real world for the first time in what felt like hours, but was probably only a few minutes. When I looked up the world looked distorted and I thought, I have enough vision problems, so I instantly deleted Crossy Road.

Maybe I should have been an architect, because I love Tetris (it’s basically the same thing).

If you find yourself addicted to a game or app on your iPhone just delete it and see how much better your life will become. Ever since deleting Facebook and Facebook Messenger from my iPhone back in February I still haven’t re-downloaded them and my life is 100 times better for it.

Black Fuzzy Dice

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I am not a horrible person, but I do have a pair of black fuzzy dice hanging on my car’s rearview mirror. Why did I have to start that sentence withI am not a horrible person”? Lately, I’ve noticed other cars and drivers with fuzzy dice on their rearview mirror, and most of them look like the type of people I don’t want to be associated with. I won’t go into what type of people they look like, but I’ll tell you it does rhyme with minimal.

Have you ever seen a car on the street with fuzzy dice on the rearview mirror? Maybe not since the 1980’s, but when you do end up next to one of these drivers the first thing you do is lock your doors. Then, you think to yourself, does this make me racist?  

Why do I keep the dice on my mirror then? I have to. I learned how to drive with them about 15 years ago. And if I took them down it would be weird not to have something obstructing my view. Also, I like keeping other drivers on their toes, give them a little scare. They see the dice first and freak out, but then they see me and may think, he don’t look so bad.

Another reason I have to keep the dice is so it’s easier to spot my car. There’s only so many makes, models and colors of cars. What if I happen to park next to or near a car that looks identical to mine? I’ll know mine is the one with the black fuzzy dice, but also I have a clicker that only works for my car.

Where did these black fuzzy dice come from? I bought them on a weekend field trip to Sawgrass Mills Mall with my mom back in middle school. A friend and I bought them together (or my mom probably bought them for us, because we were young and poor), because we thought they would look sweet on our BMX bikes. And guess what? They did look pretty sweet on our BMX bikes, so sweet in fact that I had to move them to my mom’s van when I first started driving. From there they went to my Ford Focus (my first car), then my X-Terra (second car) and now they’re on my Jeep (new car), but it may be time to finally retire these black fuzzy dice.

The dice are in horrible condition. When I bought them they were black, now they are grey-ish from years in the hot Florida sun. They are no longer a working pair of 6-sided dice. They are now 1, 2, 2, 4, 5, 5 dice. I’ve lost a few dots along the way.

What’s the first thing someone does when they see my black fuzzy dice? Anytime someone gets in my car for the first time, they slap my dice (probably the reason for missing dots). Other people slap the dice anytime they get in my car. And the most annoying people slap them over and over as I drive somewhere. I can deal with the obstruction of vision, but when you slap them you’re just adding new blind zones and making it easier for me to crash and kill us both.

I will retire these dice soon if (1) someone buys me a brand new pair (I saw some nice Mickey dice in Disney, but they are a bit smaller so I haven’t bought them yet), (2) someone steals them, if they are stolen I will have no other choice but to retire my fuzzy dice, (3) or if I happen to buy some dice myself (which is probably the least likely to happen).

So, next time any of you are in Sawgrass Mills and you happen to see some sweet fuzzy dice or some other rearview mirror ornament that might look swell on my Jeep, go ahead and buy them for me. You may even get a free ice cream or Nana pudding.

Also, order some ice cream and nana pudding, I got to pay my bills somehow…

Debate Night: Part II

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Last Sunday, I was tricked into watching the second Presidential debate. How did I get tricked into watching a debate? I’ll tell ya. On my way to a birthday celebration I stopped by my friends’ new home to gift them some special coffee beans, because I am a great friend! We had some magical coffee and I helped them organize the house a bit (or maybe just watched them do that while drinking my coffee).

When it was time for me to leave they told me to return after the birthday celebration to watch the debate, and I said, “only if we can also watch Westworld episode 2.” I came back for the debate with beers and I was fed delicious food, but I got no Westworld episode 2. I had to wait a whole extra day until Monday night to watch Westworld episode two. Luckily Westworld is not at Game of Thrones status yet, or it would have been spoiled.

The debate was stupid. Just two grown ups acting like little baby kids. Each candidate would begin with “He/she said this…” then the next one would go saying, “Uh, I never said that, but you did say this…” and on and on it went for two whole hours! It was stupid and I didn’t learn a thing about either candidate during the whole thing.

Donald would say things like, “She’s a liar,” or “She’s a thief,” but would never explain why. And Hillary would say words, I’m just not sure what they all meant. Both candidates would try to talk the most when it wasn’t their turn. That’s why this second debate needed not one, but two moderators to try to stop the candidates from speaking out of turn, which did not work out very well.

They were featuring some hot tweets on the screen, so I immediately began tweeting to try and get featured on TV. Here’s some of my better tweets from the debate:

 

 

I began tweeting too late, because once I began they took down the Twitter feed and replaced it with, WATCH THE DEBATE ONLINE, even though if you’re seeing that message it’s too late, because that means you are already watching the debate.

The one thing I did learn during this debate, because I was guilty of it too, is that the only reason anyone watches these debates or any other live event on TV is to have an opinion to share on social media. Any time there’s a  live event is on TV, your social news feeds get filled with people talking crap about any little thing they notice (which is exactly what I did on Twitter that night).

I heard there’s supposed to be another debate, and I for one will not be watching it. In fact, I’ll boycott it if anyone tries to make me watch it. I don’t have to watch it, I already voted. And in case you’re wondering, the answer is YES! I did vote [Fill in the Blank], and I wrote “OBAMA” in the blank. If we all write OBAMA as our fill in the blank, then he can win! Yes We Can, everyone! #OBAMA2016

Also, in case you missed the debate, we all know who the true winner was last Sunday night…

#BONEZONE

Hey, Ken Bone! Why you gotta be so rude to Wreck-it Ralph… #debatenight

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