LET’S TALK ABOUT POLITICS

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I don’t usually talk about politics in my learnings (or in real life), because I don’t know anything about politics. Also, I think every politician alive is a dirtbag, and I might be related to a few of them. I’ve only voted once in my life, and I only voted because they sent a ballot to my house. I was able to vote on my couch, in my undies. Anytime I see the news on TV I quickly change the channel (because I hate being depressed). I get my news from the “Today Show” and late night monologues. The only current events I follow online comes from: [POLYGON, IGN] Video Games, [THE VERGE] Technology, [NERDIST] Nerd stuff and anything about movies, entertainment or pop culture. So, anything that I say here that sounds dumb, just know this. I am dumb. I’m ignorant. And I don’t care.

Everyone is talking about Donald Trump. When I first heard Donald Trump was running for president I thought, maybe there’s a second Donald Trump that I’ve never heard of. Maybe this other Donald Trump is a senator or someone kind of important. He wasn’t. It was the same Donald Trump from “The Apprentice” and all the towers.

The next thing I thought was, He’s just doing this to get more people to tune in when he hosts SNL. Then, after hosting SNL he still didn’t drop out. Not only did he stay in the race, but he’s been leading the Republican candidates ever since. Republicans who actually work in politics, except the creepy doctor with the lazy hands. But for the other dudes — Politics is their actual job.

Donald Trump is leading against actual senators and current government figures. Donald Trump is leading by (h)uge numbers (a guy who thinks the ‘h’ in ‘huge’ is a silent one). How shitty are Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio and these other Republicans running against Trump? These guys suck so bad that they’re losing to a celebrity billionaire (or maybe just a millionaire).

People choosing Trump of “qualified government officials” is like if I chipped a tooth, and I went to see a dentist for a quote to fix that tooth. Then the dentist told me, “That’s like $500,” but my friend was there with me. And my friend tells me, “I can fix it. Just buy me a beer.” So I tell the dentist, “No thanks, I’m just gonna go with this guy.”

It’s great to hear Americans say, “I love Donald Trump because he speaks the truth,” because what they’re really saying is, “I love Donald Trump because he’s racist. And I am also racist. That’s why I like him.”

The strangest thing is that Donald Trump is winning by so much, yet I haven’t met one person who openly supports Trump. His rallies are full of people, just horrible people that I would never be friends with. It’s like how I’ve never met anyone who watches any of these “ #1 comedies” on CBS, like Two & Half Men or The Big Bang Theory. But, according to CBS, these people do exist because the numbers don’t lie. Or maybe someone is lying to us. Or the person running these numbers is just not good at math.

It’s time for everyone to stop worrying. Donald Trump has ZERO chance at becoming “America’s Next Top President!” Why? Because none of our votes actually count. It’s all up to twelve dudes in a room. And once they release that white smoke from their little chimney we will know who our new president is…

NOT DONALD TRUMP.

Probably Hillary or some other person we don’t know yet. Maybe our next president will be Ross Perot (Is Ross Perot still alive?).

 
***CORRECTION : Since writing this article I was informed that twelve dudes is a jury. And the white smoke thing is how the Catholic Church picks the pope. So, I would like to apologize. I was wrong. We’re screwed, America! Have a nice day.

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