Thanks A Lot, Jerks.


I had written a wonderful and cheery post discussing gay marriage and the fact that soda consumption is down, but instead I will be sharing something more personal.

An Open Letter To The Guy(s) Who Broke Into My House.

Dear A-hole(s),

I hope you’re enjoying your spring break, and I know that my wonderful collection of plastic jewelry will only help to further your springtime fun. Jerk. For once, I’m glad that I’m not well-off because the effort you made to get into my house was totally not worth it for what you got. The jewelry box that you broke as you shoved it into my pillowcase was my mother’s and played, “Michelle My Bell” which was kind of incredible because she had it longer than she had me, but you won’t get anything for it.

The one thing I am upset about is losing my engagement ring. That hurt bro. But as we traded it for a radio at a pawn shop many many years ago, and it is slightly broken, I doubt you’ll get more than $50 for it.

But there is one bright spot. As you sifted through my things, my one pair of diamond earrings fell into a shoe, so the most valuable piece I own is still mine. It won’t replace my first pair of hoop earrings or the concert ticket stub from the first show Adam and I went to together, but it does make me feel a little better. And I know you aren’t reading this, A. Because you aren’t Super Cool or Awesome, and B. You probably don’t know how to read, you degenerate. But you know what, you didn’t hurt my family and things are just things. I’ll pray for you to make better choices while simultaneously hoping that karma kicks in.

To everyone else, have a great week, don’t let little things get you down, and stay safe.


One thought on “Thanks A Lot, Jerks.

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